Take it from me -- I love you!
I recently got all four seasons of Mr. Show with Bob (Odenkirk) and David (Cross) on DVD. A finer television program hath never been produced, methinks.
Because I love the four of you who accidentally stumble across this blog (one the other day while searching for "deepthroating" on Google, according to my high-tech tracking system), as a public service, and to break up the monotony of my tiresome liberal rants, I will be providing for you, stolen directly from unoriginal.com (with some editing by me, and some key moments in bold), transcripts of some of my favorite Mr. Show moments.
So without further adieu, we'll kick it off with a great skit from the second show of the first season:
Commercials of the Future: Updating Globo-Chem's Image:
Cast:
* David (Cross) - One Ad man
* Bob (Odenkirk) - Other Ad man
* John (Ennis) - CEO of Globo-Chem
* Jill (Talley) - Member of the board
* Tom (Kenny, a/k/a Spongebob) - Another member of the board
Bob: [pointing to Globo-Chem's slogan] Gentlemen, this isn't gonna to work anymore.
David: Globo-Chem owns 29% of the globe.
Bob: And your company distributes 1,945 different products.
David: Globo-Chem produces 83 new products per minute.
Bob: But there's a problem, people don't like Globo-Chem and its...2,023 different products.
David: The perception is that this company is a monster.
Bob: A beast.
David: A cold, heartless, smelly behemoth.
Bob: Run by a greedy, fat--
David: fat-headed, fatty pants.
Bob: A fatso.
John: [rises] Who do you think you are?! This company cares! We were in the people business when you were in short pants! My great-great-great grandfather started this company with one single rickety, leaky, hand-crafted slave ship, and a simple motto: "People selling people to people." So, don't tell me that I'm fat!! [sits back down]
David: Did, did we offend you?
Bob: Good!
David: Now we have your attention and we have to win you over.
Bob: Just like you have to win consumers.
John: [pause] Continue.
Bob: Cute, friendly, lovable--
David: Three things you are not. But you know who is?
Bob: Pit-Pat! Globo-Chem's new mascot. [picks up a Pit-Pat doll and hugs it]
David: Pit-Pat! A magical, pan-sexual, non-threatening spokesthing!
Bob: Ladies and gentlemen, we present new ad campaigns for three of your...3,974 different products...watch!
[Cut to commericial.]
Commercials of the Future: Bag Hutch Commercial
Cast-
* John- husband
* Janeane Garofalo- wife
[The set is a kitchen with brown paper bags stuffed in and coming out of cupboards and in drawers. There is a cupboard up front, and a door upstage.]
Bob V.O.: Bags! Bags! Bags! It always seems that you've got too many bags.
Janeane: [To camera] Help me!
Bob V.O.: You can't just throw them away. Now there's new "Bag Hutch!"
["Back Hutch" Brown Cardboard box appears instantly on counter]
[Close up of bags being placed in Bag Hutch as a caption on screen reads Bags must be folded neatly]
Bob V.O.: Bag Hutch is made is especially for bags! And holds up to twelve bags!
[Shots of brown bags instantly disappearing from the cupboards]
[Shot of Janeane placing bags in Bag Hutch as her husband walks in from the door behind and looks around the kitchen amazed]
John: Honey! Where are all the bags?
Janeane: [pointing] In the Bag Hutch.
[John leans over, looks in the Bag Hutch and smiles]
John: No shit!?
[Close-Up of Bag Hutch]
Bob V.O.: Bag Hutch, by Flix, a division of Globo-Chem.
[Pit-Pat mascot floats across the screen]
Pit-Pat: [also Bob V.O.] Take it from me, I love you!
[Back to the board room: The Globo-Chem employees are in shock.]
David: You see him? It's Pit-Pat!
Bob: Oh goodness, isn't he great? Here, watch another one.
[Cut to next commercial.]
Commercials of the Future: Ding Dong Burgers Commercial
[Shots of "Ding Dong King Kong Sing Song Burger Sign", a man eating a burger sped up.]
David V.O.: We went to a real Ding Dong Burger to ask real Ding Dong Burger eaters what they think of the new "Ding Dong King Kong Sing Song" Burger.
[Shot of a booth, with Brian and girlfriend on the same side, both with burgers]
Mary Lynn: It's great! [takes a bite]
Brian: It's so big, it's fucking great.
[another shot of the Ding Dong burger sign]
[shot of family of four in a booth with food on the table, Jill and son seated on left, Tom and daughter sitting on right]
David V.O.: What about you folks?
Jill: Yeah!
[close-up of Tom]
Tom: I can feed the whole family for under $20.
[wide shot of Tom smiling daughter]
[shot of Jill messing up son's hair]
Jill: And with the price of beef going through the fucking roof, that's a deal.
[shot of Bob and David seated, both with burgers and drinks. David, on left, is in a dark suit, dark sunglasses, and a black wig. Bob, on right, with his back to the camera, is in a dark suit, no sunglasses, and a blond wig]
David V.O.: Fellas?
David: [To camera] This cock sucker dragged me down here, I don't know.
[Bob turns and smiles to the camera]
[Close up of Bob]
Bob: [To David] - Just eat the fuckin' thing.
[Close up of David]
David: Fuck you asshole.
[shot of both, Bob turns and smiles to the camera]
[closeup of David's mouth, he takes a bite]
David: Fuck!
[shot of David's whole head and burger]
David: This mother fucker's tasty!
[shot of both]
Bob: I told your fucking ass!
[Bob turns and smiles to the camera, then the Ding Dong Burgers logo comes down over the shot]
David V.O.: Ding Dong Burgers, a Globo-chem company.
[Pit-Pat floats across the screen]
Pit-Pat: Take it from me, I love you!
[Back to the board room.]
Bob: See? He loves you!
Jill: What about the swearing??
Bob: Oh. Here, there's one more.
[Cut to last commericial.]
Commercials of the Future: Techcorp Systems Commercial
[Jay sitting in chair, head in hands]
Jay: God dammit.
Shit.
[walking to window]
Fuck.
[at window]
ASS! Shit! Mother! Cock!
[camera panning out, over mountains, over the globe]
Fuck! Fucky Fuck Fuck!
Bob V.O.: Techcorp Systems, another helpful Globo-Chem company.
[Pit-Pat floats across the screen]
Pit-Pat: Take it from me! I love you!
[Back in the board room: The employees are shocked; John is in a daze.]
Bob: Pit-Paaat!
David: Pit-Pat!
[David opens the door and a life-size Pit-Pat comes in and hugs and squeezes John until David has to pull Pit-Pat away and shove him out the door.]
David: Okay, we have plans for an animated children's program, a breakfast cereal, a line of clothing, a video game, a--
Tom: Excuse me. Excuse me. You still haven't answered the question about the swearing--what about the swearing?
David: Please, let's stick to one subject, here. Okay, Pit-Pat is a magical pixie, who can fly around and--
Jill: You can't have all that swearing; it's offensive.
Bob: Look lady, I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth...
Jill: [outraged] That's it!!
Bob: You're right that's it.
David: That's the new slogan for Grandma Betsy's Biscuit Powder! [uncovers a cardboard poster of a package, with cartoon old woman and beneath her, the slogan "I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth."]
Bob: The world of the future is much cruder than the world of today.
David: In 1994, you couldn't say the word "bitch" or "asshole" on TV -- now it's okay.
Bob: Where do you think we'll be in the year 2000?
David: Are ya interested in staying on the cutting edge?
Tom: Yeah, but what happened to Grandma Betsy? She looks like a man!
[close-up shot of the cartoon]
Bob: She is a man!
David: The fastest growing segment of our population are transsexuals -- they buy and spend for two.
Bob: Look, the world is changing. It's becoming increasingly difficult to insult people and thereby get their attention.
David: Knock knock [knocking on John's head] Who's there? Change. Oh, come on in.
Bob: Oh, I see you brought Globo-Chem with you.
David: Really? I thought that company was run by a greedy, fat, fat-headed, fatty pants!!!
Bob: A fat fuck! [crawls on to the table, gets right in John's face]
David: Is it?!
Bob: Is it?!
[David waves his hand in front of John's eyes.]
David: He's dead.
Bob: Good!
David: That's what you wanted, right?
Jill: Yeah.
Tom: Yupperino. Good job guys.
David: Okay, great. Alright.
Bob: Well, it's what we do.
David: [to John] Did I kill you?! Good, I got your attention. [pushes John's head down to the table.]
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